How to Deal with Emotional Manipulation

Posted on by Leave a comment

Tony Soprano, the protagonist of the Sopranos, was a sociopathic mafia boss from New Jersey. He had a lot on his mind when it came to criminal activities, but one of his greatest challenges was his mother, Livia. She was the queen of emotional manipulation and much of Tony’s time was taken up by her. She made him feel guilty for supposedly abandoning her – which was far from the truth, as the more guilty he felt, the more he wanted to please her. In the most extreme episodes of this series, she pretended to have dementia after plotting to kill him. She was a source of pain and anger for Tony and no doubt, for any of you reading this who have experienced similar forms of emotional manipulation.

Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

What is Emotional Manipulation?

But emotional manipulation isn’t always so extreme or entertaining!

In short, it’s the use of your own emotions to control and influence your behaviour, thoughts, feelings and reactions to the manipulator. This benefits the manipulator and is in many cases, an abusive and disempowered way to communicate influence and power. Here are some examples of it in practice:

  • Guilt tripping – making you feel guilty if you don’t do what the manipulator wants.
  •  Playing on your insecurities such as your feelings of social inadequacies – “the team will like you more if you do this,” or “nobody will ever love you like I do.” 
  • Giving the silent treatment or withdrawing from a relationship as a form of punishment.
  •  Victim playing, reminding you of all the things they have done for you (whether you asked for it or not), acting like a martyr or exaggerating their suffering or bad treatment.
  •  Love bombing is also a way of influence through positive emotional responses.
  • Gaslighting to distort your sense of reality and mental stability.

In the workplace, you might observe similar tactics in the following forms:

  • Withholding information from you or cutting you out of projects.
  • Undermining your work or not giving you any credit for what you have achieved.
  • Blackmail – you won’t get that promotion if you don’t do as your manager asks.
  • Conflict creation within the team to deflect attention from the manipulator
  • Victim playing so that your guilt or pity excuses your colleague from a task.

Healthy influence, on the other hand, emphasises why a certain action or opinion might be in your interest. For example, when a manager discusses the reasons why learning a new skill might benefit the team, the intention is to add to your skill set but also further a team goal. This benefits everyone and appeals to your interests. A doctor may discuss with you the risks and benefits of a treatment plan and allow you time to come to your own conclusion. Advice may be given in a diplomatic and considerate manner, giving you space to talk and be listened to with any concerns. When this happens, you feel empowered and motivated- not guilty, fearful, or desperate for the attention of your pursuer.

To be clear, usually somebody exerting emotional manipulation is not even aware of it. These are usually subconscious behaviours that belong on a spectrum. It’s not always malicious either. And if we are honest with ourselves, we may display some of those behaviours without even knowing it or meaning any harm.

What Emotional Manipulation Isn’t

  • Expressing an opinion – no matter how undiplomatic it is;
  • Offering advice or help or expressing concern;
  • Having a conversation about needs or desires; 
  • Asking for help or a change of behaviour.
  • Offering genuine human connection through empathy, unthreatening eye contact and open listening.

Clear communication that confronts problems in a relationship are not usually red flags, no matter how uncomfortable you find those types of conversations. If you don’t like what is being said, it may make you feel angry, unappreciated, disrespected or it may knock your ego but it doesn’t make you want to take action or not out of guilt, fear, anxiety or a need to be loved and wanted.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Strategies to Deal With Emotional Manipulation

  • Recognise your emotions. In a healthy relationship, you should feel uplifted, appreciated and respected. Feeling used, attacked or guilty if you do something or not, are usually signs of something not being right.
  • Work on your self-esteem and assertiveness. You can say no to anything, and you can stand up for yourself in a polite and clear manner. When you slip into aggression, this could fuel the abuse further.
  • Acknowledge the tactics that are being used. If it helps, write down your feelings and record any incidents so you can see the patterns of behaviour or the manipulator.
  • Clearly communicate your boundaries. If you need to tell a manipulator that you can’t complete a task, try not to explain or provide any information on your vulnerabilities, just say no in a polite and respectful manner.
  • Speak to somebody supportive. You might even come up with some new strategies!

A manipulative person is disempowered and insecure with a limited ability to communicate. They quickly identify points of weakness and exploit them to their advantage. They may or may not be aware of this trait and if we are honest with ourselves, we can all be manipulative to a certain degree.

In any abusive relationship, you do have the choice to leave BUT that is not always possible. That’s a judgement call for you.  And if you can’t leave, it’s even more important that you get the support you need to deal with the impact the abuse can have on mental and physical health and safety.

I’d love to hear from you about this subject! Please feel free to leave a comment. Do you agree? What are your strategies for dealing with emotional manipulation?

How to handle conflict with a narcissist AND stay sane

Posted on by

I have a family member who behaves like a classic narcissist. She’s a compulsive liar, especially when she wants to hurt you.  She uses your vulnerabilities against you to undermine you. She has no empathy even in the tragedy of death. In short, I learned long ago as a very young child to avoid this woman and keep my interactions with her very superficial. As I grew older, I realised this was the best way to disarm her narcissistic sting. Keep it surface level and avoid her penchant for gaslighting and abuse. In fact, my silence made her want to entrap me more into her world of destruction but once she had you, the abuse would start again.

These lessons have taught me well. My instinct for these kinds of people and how to deal with them is never wrong. More importantly, she’s a good example of a narcissist being who and what they are. Unchanging and incapable of harmonious, loving, compassionate relationships which is what I want from in all of mine.

Photo by BROTE studio on Pexels.com

One of the goals of conflict resolution is to acknowledge the hurt caused to the parties involved. It may also include an understanding of how hurtful and wrong certain behaviours are, best expressed by an apology. In the case of a narcissist, you may just want them to stop being a narcissist! If you have been abused by them particularly painfully, then retribution or justice may also be what you are looking for. But conflict resolution done well, allows parties to move on and ideally strengthen their relationships. This involves listening with empathy and having the courage to confront your own behaviour. Compromise, understanding, and vulnerability are crucial elements in a creating a more hopeful, more peaceful future.

Narcissists can’t do this.

A true narcissist is unable to resolve conflict constructively. Any attempts to do so are likely to leave you mentally drained, emotionally damaged and could negatively affect those around you – children, colleagues, and friends, for example.

Here’s why:

  • The narcissist is not listening to you and is not self-aware.
  • They cannot stand being told they have behaved badly.
  • They are likely to gaslight you, insult you, and upset you even more.
  • They LOVE when you get angry. It fuels their narcissistic ego.
  • It won’t change their behaviour.

Managing conflict with a narcissist is not about confrontation, it’s about self-management and there are more effective and less damaging ways to deal with them that – trust me- will be more satisfying once you commit to boundaries of steel and protecting yourself and those you care about.

Here is what you can do instead:

  • Accept that this is who they are. They won’t change. Any relationship with a narcissist is about controlling you, undermining you, damaging you and ultimately ensuring that you are their emotional plaything.
  • Maintain realistic expectations. Your relationship should be limited to superficial interactions. They won’t comfort you, support you or give you any empathy. You cannot have an intimate relationship with them; they will damage you and leave your self-esteem shattered. In many cases, you may be physically or financially damaged by them.
  • Try not to take their nature personally. Ignore insults, deal with gaslighting by recording what they say (for your own sanity) and act as though their words have no effect on you.
  • Don’t engage with them. Don’t be vulnerable to them by sharing ANY personal information for them to wound you with. Do not explain, do not attempt to get any validation, don’t defend what you have said or done.
  • Leave the relationship if you can. Or at least, take steps to do so. I know this is not always an option, but it could be at some point and it’s something you could aim for.

Remember, conflict with a narcissist is destructive. It is not the kind of conflict that leads to a deeper understanding of another person’s values or beliefs, and neither can it be resolved with empathic, creative solutions. Don’t expect to receive an apology or acknowledgement from a narcissist for the pain they have caused you. The best way to deal with a narcissist is avoid them, either by creating physical distance from them or mental and emotional distance. Either way, protect yourself as much as you can from their rage.

I’d love to read your comments – how did conflict with a narcissist end? Do you have any strategies for dealing with this type of conflict? Leave a comment below!

How to Say Nasty Things Nicely- 12 MORE Phrases that will save your work relationships!

Posted on by Leave a comment

My last blog post gave you some phrases to help you communicate emotional responses in a professional manner. The response from my readers was so encouraging that I have included a few more below!

Hopefully, this will help you to create your own diplomatic dictionary to help you when you don’t know how to respond to bad behaviour or you risk creating tension by unintentionally adopting an aggressive approach in any work related context. Read on for extra phrases.

Photo by fauxels on Pexels.com

12 More phrases

  1. What are you asking me for? Thanks for your query. I have copied in Martin who has the expertise to help you.
  2. Stop micro-managing me! Thanks for your advice. If I need any further help, I’ll let you know.
  3. Read the d@mn email I sent you, I’ve already answered you! May I refer you to the email that I sent you on… it contains everything you need to know but if you need any further clarification, please contact me.
  4. That meeting is a waste of my time. I won’t be attending this meeting as I don’t think my participation will be necessary but if you need me to comment on anything, please feel free to contact me afterwards.
  5. We don’t need a meeting for this. Could you send me a detailed agenda? There may be items we can resolve instead by email, in the interests of saving time.
  6. Could you hurry up? We’re not going to make the deadline. Please could you update me on your progress so far?
  7. This sounds like a “you” problem. How do you plan to resolve it?
  8. Why are you ignoring me? I’d be grateful for your response.
  9. Stop criticising me! I respond better to constructive feedback and welcome any opportunity to grow and develop.
  10. That is a stupid idea. Talk me through the advantages of this idea and the challenges.
  11. I have no clue why you would say that. I’m curious to know more about that.
  12. That’s never going to work. Let’s consider alternatives.
  13. Bonus translation: Use your initiative! I trust your judgment to decide the best way forward.

Please feel free to send any other phrases that might need translating !

« Older Entries